Firsts
by jellyjay
Summary: Three times Mikasa almost lost her virginity to Jean Kirchstein. Written for tumblr user theowlinsomniac for the prompt "firsts".


i.

It starts as a sort-of accident when they return to the confines of Wall Rose after the Female Titan interrupts the 57th expedition beyond the wall. They are bruised, and bleeding, and the civilians talk about them like they are burdens rather than heroes. Eren is injured, and she rides with him in the cart as they make their way through the city.

Armin and Jean and Reiner ride next to them on horses, eyes as dead as the soldiers they lost today, and there are kids along the street whose eyes are wide and hopeful and full of dreams of being like them. She and Eren were those kids once, and she grips her brother's hand as if it's a reminder to both of them that they're still alive and that there's still hope.

It's not.

It's more of a reminder of how numb they both are.

x

Eren is sent straight to the infirmary and she tries to follow only to be banned at the door.

"He needs rest," the medic tells her sternly. "Quite frankly, so do you."

"I'm fine," she snaps at them, and she starts forward in an effort to force her way through. "Let me see him," she demands.

The medic glares at her. "I don't think so, Ackerman. Don't make me report you."

"Mikasa." There's a gentle voice from behind her, and someone grasps at her elbow. "He'll be fine. You need rest too. Come on."

She tenses. "I don't need—"

"Yes, you do," says the same voice, and too late, she realizes that it's Jean's. His grip around her arm tightens and he tugs her back gently. "At least take a nap. You can come straight back afterwards."

"Yes, good," says the medic, and he eyes Jean carefully. "I don't want to see her back here in less than eight hours. Make it so, Kirchstein."

x

He drags her to the nearest empty room with a bed and ushers her inside, slamming the door shut behind them. "Hey," he says firmly, grasping both her shoulders and forcing her to face him. "Look at me. Eren's going to be fine. And you need to be too, or he'll kill all of us. You have to rest."

Mikasa scowls at him, struggling against his grip. "I don't need to rest, let me—"

She doesn't finish because, suddenly, her lips are being crushed by his. Her eyes grow wide but she stills enough out of shock for him to loosen his grip. She's always known about Jean's attraction to her, but this – it's all so sudden, but it feels good and she feels alive and she realizes as he pulls away that she's feeling things and that she's no longer numb.

"I'm sorry," he mutters quickly. "I thought we were going to die today. We didn't, but the thought – I need you to know that –"

"I know," she whispers, and, hesitantly, she tugs him closer by his collar. "I know."

"I'm sorry," says Jean again. He leans his forehead against hers and takes a breath. "I shouldn't have—"

Mikasa shakes her head. "Shut up." And this time she kisses him, hands balling into fists in his lapels as she tries to pull him closer, and then closer still. She groans into his mouth as his fingers curl against the fabric at her back, tugging her shirt up so he can caress the skin underneath.

He leans into her, pushing her forwards and onto the mattress, shedding his jacket and harness on the way. There's an urgency in his kisses that sets her on fire, and he unwinds her scarf to trail his lips along her neck.

Mikasa gasps under him as he pops open the buttons of her shirt, kissing his way along the bruises the harnesses have left across the swell of her breasts. His hands are firm against her skin as he explores her body with the pads of his fingers, stopping only at the waistband of her jeans.

Her breath hitches. "Wait," she manages breathlessly. "Wait, Jean—"

He pauses. "Are you okay?"

She swallows. "I – I've never – I can't —" She takes a breath. "Not today."

"Oh." He kisses at her abdomen and sits back up. "I'm sorry," he mumbles a third time. "I should never have –"

"No." Mikasa sits up too and clutches at his wrist. "No. Just… not today." She pauses, glancing at her lap. "Stay. Please?"

He breathes a sigh and leans in again to press a chaste kiss to the corner of her lips. "Of course," he whispers, and he shuffles a little and settles beside her. "You should rest."

"You won't leave, will you?" she mumbles childishly.

Jean chuckles. "No," he answers, slipping his arms around her waist. "I'll be here when you wake up. Go to sleep, Mikasa."

She does, and it's the most peaceful sleep she's had in a very long time.

ii.

The raid on the Stohess district puts Eren in the infirmary again, but when he gets out, Jean and Armin and Eren and Mikasa find the nearest pub that's open as early as four o'clock in the afternoon and order the largest flagons of beer they can get.

They shouldn't, and they know this because Mikasa refuses to drink so she can remind them that they will regret this in the morning, but they do anyway because there are things they want to forget. There are only very few left of the 104th Trainee Squad, and the loss of one more – the loss of another friend, and because they were a traitor no less, is enough to make this seem like a relatively good idea.

They drink to the ones who didn't survive the attack on Stohess.

They drink to the friends they've already lost.

And they drink to Annie, because traitor or not, she was their friend too.

Armin leaves first, and they're reminded of his respect and relative closeness to her because of the despair in his eyes that's made one hundred times clearer by the effects of two flagons of alcohol.

Eren leaves next because, titan shifter or not, his body is healing still from the last battle. He heads home, refusing Mikasa's offers to go with him and parting with a drunken jab about "behaving" before he disappears into the night.

Mikasa shifts uncomfortably under her skin, feeling as if letting him go alone is a bad idea, but Jean's fingers slip in between hers under the table. She blinks.

"Come on," he says, looking surprisingly sober for someone who's just had three entire flagons of beer to himself. There's something dark in his eyes, and Mikasa recognises it as the same sort of urgency from Eren's first hospitalization after the 57th Expedition.

He tugs at her hand, and Mikasa half expects herself to hesitate, but the look in his eye is compelling and it excites her more than she cares to admit.

They find an alleyway about a block from the bar, and it's late enough now that no one else is in the streets to see them tucked away in the shadows.

Jean's lips are on her neck, and he's pressed her up against the wall with her arms pinned on either side of her head. She doesn't know how often he's done this before, but she notes absently how dextrous his tongue is as he undoes her top three buttons with his mouth. It's difficult to resist wondering how it would feel if used them… _elsewhere_.

He nips at the flesh at the swell of her breasts and teeths gently at her ear, and Mikasa groans, rolling her hips against his as if they're out of her control. She pants his name as he presses back, the bulge in his pants rubbing urgently against her thigh.

He releases her arms to hook his hands under he knees, and at last, he brings his lips to hers and gives her the most tender kiss she's ever received – at least it would be if there wasn't alcohol on his tongue.

She pulls back to gag at the taste and pushes him away.

Jean blinks. "What's wrong?" he asks, looking both confused and hurt at the way she'd shoved him towards the other end of the alley. "I thought—"

"Sorry," she says, panting. She looks away because there's an ache between her legs and she can admit to herself now that yes, she wants this – she _really_ wants this, but she wants it to be real. She doesn't want her first time to be in an alley with a boy under the influence of alcohol. She wants it to be with Jean – sober Jean – who'll mean what he says and kiss her like he wants more than just sex.

"Are you okay?" he asks her.

It eases her to see the concern on his face in the moonlight, but she nods and steps back. "You – you taste like alcohol. Not today. I can't—"

"Ah." He chuckles as he glances around the alleyway. "This would be a terrible place for your first time anyway."

"That too," she mumbles, hiding the blush with her scarf.

Jean smiles and he slips his hand into hers and gives it a gentle squeeze. "It's okay," he says softly. "Let's go. We should make sure Jaeger got back okay."

"Jean," she murmurs, tugging at his hand. "Thank you. For understanding."

He squeezes her hand again and offers her a reassuring grin. "Don't worry about it. Let's go."

iii.

They're in the cabin alone. The others have wandered off in search of more firewood or supplies. It's their turn to sweep the floors and clean the bathrooms, but Jean has other plans.

They settle on the couch, and he hauls her onto his lap, hands fiddling with the buttons of her shirt.

"Sorry," he mumbles. "We haven't been alone like this in a while."

"Mm." Mikasa's breath hitches as he nips at her throat. "Is – do you really think doing this out here is a good idea?"

Jean shrugs and eases the shirt off her shoulders. "There's no one else around," he breathes, trailing kisses along her skin. "We can move if you really want."

She pauses to consider it, but his fingers are tracing patterns on the skin of her back, and it's awfully distracting. She stiffens has his fingers stop at the clasp of her bra.

"What's the matter?" he asks absently, unclasping it and slipping it off her breasts.

"N-nothing," she mumbles. Her breath is shaky, but she presses her lips to his and tugs at his collar, pulling him flush against her. Jean groans into her mouth, tongue brushing firmly at her lips and begging for entrance. His hands slide under her skirt, massaging gentle circles into her thighs with his thumbs, and Mikasa lets out a quiet moan. She pulls away briefly to claw at the buttons of his shirt.

He laughs. "Eager, huh?"

"Shut up," she whispers breathlessly, but there's no stopping the blush that rushes to her cheeks.

Jean grins at her. "There's nothing wrong with that," he says, looking amused. "Here." He helps her with the rest of the buttons and shrugs off his shirt. "Better?"

"A bit," she says shyly. "S-sorry. I'm a little—"

He pauses. "We don't have to do this if you don't want to."

"No." She's still blushing, but her voice is firm. "I want this."

"Are you sure?" he asks, fingers hesitating at the hem of her panties.

Mikasa gasps. "I'm sure," she murmurs. She can feel the bulge in his pants against her leg, and it excites her more than anything else. Today is good, she thinks. Today, there is no one to grieve, and no alcohol to ruin the moment. Today, they are in a safe house instead of a spare room in the infirmary or hidden in the shadows of an alleyway. "I'm sure, Jean."

"Okay." Jean offers her a reassuring grin. He moves his hands further along her thighs, hooking his fingers under the fabric of her panties and rubbing a thumb against her slit. He leaves kisses at the swell of her breasts before he takes a nipple into her mouth, teething gently at the bud and enjoying the way she arches her back into him.

Mikasa makes an odd whimpering sound in her throat, and she clutches at his shoulders. Her hips move of their own accord, bucking helplessly against his thumb. "Jean," she manages, digging her nails into his skin.

He groans."Here," he whispers, pulling away for a second. "Help me—"

He doesn't need to finish the sentence for Mikasa to bring her hands to the waistband of his jeans. She fiddles with the button and unzips his fly, and he shuffles up a little so she can tug down the thick material.

"What should I—?"

"Give me a second." Jean eases his underwear off too, and he can't help but chuckle when he catches Mikasa's eyes grow wider at the sight. She may be unshakeable and fearless and the strongest of them all on the field, but not here, and Jean feels pride bubble in his stomach when he remembers that he is the first to see this side of her. He guides her fingers to his shaft and offers her a reassuring grin. "Wrap your fingers around like – yeah – gently – mm…"

His hands return to her thighs, and his grip tightens as she moves her fingers around his cock. He shoves the material of her panties to the side and he presses his fingers against her, finding the little bundle of nerves at her core and pinching just so –

Mikasa lets out a moan, fingers trembling around his member. She bucks against him, moving her hips and trying to angle herself so it's easier for him to reach her clit.

He smirks. "Let's get those panties off," he whispers, and he eases her from her lap and unzips her skirt. The fabric falls to the ground and her panties follow, and she climbs onto his lap again, elbows braced against his shoulders. "Ready?"

"Yeah," she mumbles, and he guides her hips down –

The door slams open. "All right, brats, this place had better be spotless or –"

Levi stares.

Jean and Mikasa stare back.

"Well," says the lance corporal. "That's more of you two than I ever wanted to see." A moment passes, before he turns around again and leaves, slamming the door shut after him. "I'm giving you ten seconds!" he calls through the door.

There's a second pause.

"Sorry," says Jean, grinning apologetically. He opens his mouth to joke: "I-"

"Don't even," snaps Mikasa, glaring at him. "Not today."

x

**Some notes:**

**1) The prompt was "Firsts" and so my initial reaction was to do Mikasa and Jean's first time together but then this happened. SORRYNOTSORRY.**

**2) I based a lot of things that Jean says off the audio posts that tumblr user askjeanvoice puts up, because hot damn, if you haven't heard Jonah Scott's Jean Kirchstein, you are missing oooout.**

**3) This is my first time writing nsfw to this detail so please don't hate me if this came out gross. I TRIED OKAY.**


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